There is no such thing as "the Queen's English." The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares!

I have a great respect for the English language. I am one of its supporters, its promoters, its elevators. I don't degrade it. A slip of the tongue would be the most that you would get from me.

The English are mentioned in the Bible: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

It isn't fair, by the way, to say the English are not on bowing terms with a joke. I know, because I tried them first thirty-five years ago and got away with it. They are merely a little slow, but when things are explained to them and they comprehend the plot and get an idea of the mechanism of the joke, and are perfectly sure it isn't the kind that will kick back and go off unexpectedly, why, they are strong for it.

I have traveled more than any one else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent.

It usually takes three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is custom.

I have no special regard for Satan; but, I can at least claim that I have no prejudice against him. It may even be that I lean a little his way, on account of his not having a fair show. All religions issue bibles against him, and say the most injurious things about him, but we never hear his side. We have none but the evidence for the prosecution, and yet we have rendered the verdict. To my mind, this is irregular. It is un-English; it is un-American; it is French.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Cartoon courtesy of 'Hairy Dog Productions'